Monday, 24 August 2015

Letter to Mum, 18 months on


Dear Mum,

Its been 18 months since I last saw you, smelt you, felt you and spoke to you but thankfully I haven't forgotten any of these yet. I still remember everything, how soft your skin was, the smell of your perfume, I can hear your voice whenever I think about what you would say if you were here still. I dread that fact this may fade and disappear one day.
 
Everything I do I think about you, what you would think and say. I know you would have been a little disappointed at first that I'd had a 4th child but I also know you would have come round to the fact and loved her just as much as the other 3. She is just like you, has your blue eyes like no one else in our family. She is part of you.
 
Some days I feel I can cope ok and I think this is down to my belief that you only left us knowing we were strong enough to cope without you, then other days I feel everything has fallen apart without you here, you were the glue, you were the centre of everything, how can we replace that and keep things going. Truth is we can't and things have changed forever, we live differently because you are not here.
 
Of course I live my life for the children but I'm no longer complete, a whole part of me is missing forever and I am never going to get over that, I will just learn to live with it for the sake of my children.
 
Dad has amazed me how he has coped since you've been gone, I think that is down to his support network which I'm thankful for and I know you would be too. I can see he misses you every single minute of every day. He has still not gone through any of your stuff, your hair brush is still in the bathroom. I think he finds comforts in this and whilst he seems to be coping this comforts me too.
 
The children have grown and changed so much, I think you would be so proud of them all. Ellie has turned into a lovely mature young lady, even with her teenage strops since starting secondary school and Keira is growing so much and still a loving girl who loves cuddles! Riley has progressed so much you wouldn't believe since starting school, he asked the other day if we could visit you in heaven which totally knocked me off my feet. I know you worried about him as much as me.
 
I'm so sad you aren't here to see your grand children grow up, it breaks my heart that you cannot share this with me. I am however thankfully that your battle was short as I know you would have hated for it to have been dragged out knowing the inevitable was going to happen. Yes we did know it would happen but no one expected it to happen quite so fast even the doctors.
 
You had no chance at all, were fighting a losing battle. I'm sorry I thought you were giving up but I really had no idea how hard your struggle was, I think I believed we could win this and if you gave up then it was the start of a downward spiral. If only I could turn back time... 
 
I'm so thankful the girls got to see you the day before you died at the hospital and that you somehow found the inner strength to go outside in a wheelchair after being in bed for a week, Ellie loved pushing you around. I'm so thankful I took them that day but I honestly did not think that would be the last any of us saw you.
 
On your birthday we sent you balloons up and I hope you got them. Now all the firsts have been and gone I wonder if it will start to get any easier, will the emptiness fade, I know it won't but I will carry on for the sake of my children and make you proud by being the best mum I can. I will make sure they never forget you ever.
 
I love you forever and always
 
Love
Gemma xx

21 comments:

  1. This brought tears to my eyes, what a beautiful letter. It will get easier as times goes on and you will never forget anything, every now and then you will get a familiar smell as if to say she is looking out for you all. Huge hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Such a sad and moving post - so sorry for your loss x

    ReplyDelete
  3. You keep strong, Such a emotinal post you are doing so well xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. What a lovely letter to your mum, but I'm so sorry you had to write it. The last 18 months (and more I guess) must have been very hard.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aww what an emotional post. So sorry for your loss x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Awww what a lovely post, so heartfelt. X

    ReplyDelete
  7. How absolutely beautiful, I am sorry she isn't with you x

    ReplyDelete
  8. Beautiful words x so sorry for your loss

    ReplyDelete
  9. Such a beautiful post, so sorry for your loss x

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a lovely post, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Aww this made me cry. I lost my lovely Mum nine years ago and I still shed a tear for her almost every day. I relate so much to your letter. Hugs x

    ReplyDelete
  12. So sorry to hear of your loss. Sending balloons up is such a lovely idea *hugs* xx

    ReplyDelete
  13. oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Lots of love x

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh tears from me., I too live with a mum shaped hole and it is so hard. Thinking of you

    ReplyDelete
  15. aw so lovely hun , im the same with my mum, she was my best friend s well as my mum and theres no one comes close

    ReplyDelete
  16. Such a beautiful and heartfelt post. I am sure she is smiling down on you xx

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sounds like she was a vey special lady. x

    ReplyDelete
  18. Aww this brought tears to my eyes. I lost my own Mum 7 years ago now so I know exactly how you feel. Life is so unfair. It does get easier, I was so thankful for my kids, they keep you busy and make you smile! Sorry for your loss, beautiful post xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. I can definitely relate to this and it makes me feel really emotional to read it. Beautiful letter.

    ReplyDelete